I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
