my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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