Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
