i just wanna soil my oats bro
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
