I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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