In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
