You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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