someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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