Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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