Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
