you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
