I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
