i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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