u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
