I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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