You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
