Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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