I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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