Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
