Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
