mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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