i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
