Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
