distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
