Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
