well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
