I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
