He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
