I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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