Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
