By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
