4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
