dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
