If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
