why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
