I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He? As in you personified your dick?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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