I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
