I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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