i just sent this text using only my big toe
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
