I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
