dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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