yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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