I wish I could teleport
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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