i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
