I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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