one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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