saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
