At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
