Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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