God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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