the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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