My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
