My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize