I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
